I had read so many books and some made sense. The images they conjured up were exactly what I was aiming for, the tips sounded right up my street, suited my ethics, the culture I wanted to adopt in my own family.
Bam! I’d found “it”, sorted!
Next time I had a tricky situation with one of my children, I knew what I was going to do and say.
Easy, Peasy, Lemon Squeezy.
Or as my youngest likes to say “Easy, Peasy, Lemon difficult.” I don’t know where he got the phrase from, but it’s perfect in this case.
I had read many parenting books, some I read before my first child was even born. I had confidence that my body knew how to grow a baby, so I didn’t read many pregnancy books. I was less confident I knew what to do once the baby was outside the womb, so I read.
Some books resonated, some less so. Most seemed reasonable (some less so) and when my baby slept and I might read a page (before falling asleep myself) and I would feel reassured that I now knew what to do when my child cried, slept, didn’t sleep, cried, explored, tried new foods, cried, refused food, refused naps, refused grandparents, cried, used a toilet, cried some more.
You get the picture.
Books were such a good source of information, some good information, some less so.
But…
I began to notice that there were times when, even though I knew what I WANTED to do in a certain situation I COULDN’T. It wasn’t that I WANTED to get frustrated and cross, down and despairing, defeated and dejected, hurt and ignored. I just felt those things, and when I felt those things I just COULDN’T do and say the things the books suggested. Often, I did and said the OPPOSITE of what I was going for.
Whilst I might have known I wanted to develop resilience in my children; foster strong sibling bonds; encourage good self-esteem and self-confidence; promote healthy eating habits; beam warmth whilst keeping everyone safe, I didn’t have any simple structures to acheive those things.
For all their good intentions, good information and sound suggestions, no book (regardless of how magical it is) can LISTEN to us when it’s hard. No book can hear our fears and frustrations and hold that, even when it doesn’t look like it, our children are good, that we are good, and that we are doing a good job.
Bizarrely we CAN feel judged by a book. I’ve felt books scream at me that I did it wrong. And THAT’S why my child isn’t sleeping/eating/talking politely to family members.
Being listened to by a non-judgemental person, who respectfully and warmly listens to me laugh (and sometimes cry) about my children, without telling me what I should do, just listening and knowing that I’ll figure it out when my brain isn’t clogged with my fear and frustrations, has been vital in allowing me to more regularly think flexibly around my parenting. I’ve been able to solve and prevent tricky situations repeat themselves endlessly, by allowing myself space to focus on my parenting, and what comes up for me to stop me thinking well in the moment.
A book couldn’t do that.
Listening Partnerships is one of the five tools we teach at Hand in Hand Parenting, and experiencing the power of being listened to warmly is part of the Starter Classes that instructors offer.
The Hand in Hand tools gave me simple structures that I could put into practice straight away, and they have had profound effects, sometimes immediately.
The class is a mix of learning through video and reading, and weekly live sessions with other parents and an instructor that can answer your personal questions as you experiement with the tools.
Hand in Hand showed me WHY the behaviour was springing up, my own behaviour as well as my children’s and HOW to heal the underlaying causes of the behaviour.
The Hand in Hand Tools have completely transformed how I parent and how our family life looks and feels.
Many Foundation Class parents have followed Hand in Hand for a while, but are still surprised at how the Foundation Class really brings everything together, in powerful and profound ways.
“While the book (Listen) was useful, the group was even more so – having Katy’s insights and the chance to share experiences with other parents was really groundbreaking for me and brought the material to life in a much greater way than would have been achieved through just reading a book. Huge thanks again for a wonderful course Katy!” Beccy, mum to 1.
If you would like a chance to see how it all fits together for YOUR family the up-coming Foundation Classes might be a great way to explore them further.
“Being on the course allowed me to share my own and hear other’s experiences of family life, with all it’s ups and downs. It also gave me a space to talk and think about how I want to parent, and what works for my family. Sessions were a mixture of a useful tool to use to improve family life, and time for discussion.” Mum of 2.
The Foundation Class has a minimum of 3, maximum of 6, participants to ensure a personalised experience for everyone. It can be paid for in installments (£60 deposit, 2 x £100 further installments) or in full (£260)
Katy Linsley 