Happy New Year!
I do know it’s February already – how did THAT happen? But this year I decided to try sometime new.
For years now, just acknowledging that I don’t have as much energy in the winter, when it’s dark and cold, wasn’t enough. I was still trying to DO everything. And then I was feeling like a failure when I COULDN’T do everything. I needed a better balance.
This year I decided to sit with the discomfort and refuse to even TRY to do everything. So writing this blog was shelved until now.
Yuk, going for balance, listening to what I really needed, still feels uncomfortable!
Balance between what we think we SHOULD do and what we NEED definitely takes practice.
Balance in our parenting is just as hard.
It might sound strange but I’m beginning to think consistency is actual the opposite of balance. (Stick with me for a minute.)
Many of my clients tell me that they fear they are failing because they are not are not consistent enough. Not consistent enough with the rules, with what they SHOULD be doing.
At Hand in Hand we teach that, actually, we don’t need to be consistent with the limits and expectations that we have with our children. Yes, children like to know where they stand, and that those looking after them are reliable. It can help them relax. But this doesn’t mean we have to rigidly stick to the rules, day in, day out.
Instead we can aim to be consistently connected, attuned. To LISTEN consistently (and even then, we don’t need to consistently be consistent!)
By “listening” we mean, being attuned to our needs, the needs of our children and the needs of the situation that we all find ourselves in.
One client told me about a recent breakfast time with her four-year-old. She was worried that it hadn’t gone that well. I disagreed.
Her son had announced that for breakfast he required syrup. Just syrup, straight on his plate, to be licked off.
Mum let him know that syrup, on it’s own, wasn’t a nutritionally adaqate breakfast, so no, he couldn’t have that for breakfast.
There were feelings about that, and mum listened to them.
Mum listened with warm eye contact, that silently said “I know that it’s hard, not getting syrup for breakfast” Mum listened with an open facial expression that silently said “you’re such a good boy, my lovely son”. She stayed close as she silently felt “wow, my son is struggling with something, and he is working it out, just as he needs to”. Occasionally she said aloud “Hmm, we can’t have syrup”.
After a while, Mum, still listening, tuning in to her son’s feelings and needs, something struck her – I think he might have worked enough on this – so said “you know what? I wonder if you might like a fig roll for breakfast?”
Her son thought this was a great idea, and happily accepted the fig roll. Then mum said, with a twinkle in her eye, “You know what, I think that today might even be a 2-fig roll day!”
Let’s just say her son was delighted, and the pair shared a moment of joy, affection and connection that paved the way for a smooth transition to the rest of their day.
Mum had been worried that she hadn’t been consistent enough. Maybe her son would expect 2 fig rolls every day for breakfast? Maybe he would think all he had to do was cry a lot and he’d get biscuits.? Maybe she should have thought of fig rolls earlier? Rather than listening to how hard it was to not be allowed syrup for breakfast, they could have moved on quicker.
But there is another way to think about it.
This little 4-year-old was feeling uncomfortable, we don’t really need to know why, but feeling uncomfortable meant that when Mum said no to an unreasonable request of syrup for breakfast he could cry and cry and shift some of those uncomfortable feelings.
Offloading those feelings whilst mum was pouring in love, affection, understanding and approval helped shift them, and allow good thinking to take over again. When mum suggested a fig roll her son had shifted enough uncomfortable feelings to be able to hear the suggestion and realise it sounded pretty good. It didn’t NEED to be syrup anymore.
When Mum suggested a second fig roll he could really fill up with all the warmth his mum was offering and really FEEL the connection. So good!
If next week her son suggests he have 2 fig rolls for breakfast and mum says no, he might be able to to just accept it. If not, he can offload more feelings around not being able to have what he wants, exactly when he wants them. Feelings that deserve to be heard, however old we are – think job promotion, ideal home, nice weather, faster internet connection…
Mum might think she had not been consistent with what are appropriate breakfast options, but she had been consistent in offering connection, listening carefully to how her son felt, how she felt, and how the situation was going. And instead of sticking to the consistency of what she thought she SHOULD be doing, she was consistent in trying for what they all needed (including getting on with their day)
Getting the balance of what we need on every given day, week, or month takes more than setting some limits, expectations and rules and sticking to them no matter what. It needs us to listen, attune, consider and experiment and then be prepared to do it all again the next day (or the next hour!)
So I sat with my discomfort around not trying to write this piece earlier and instead tried to listen to what I needed. It did (eventually) feel good to rest, and spend more time and energy doing what I needed and wanted.
And now I have written this!
So, Happy New Year everyone! Hope to connect with you again soon.
Warmly,
Katy
Parenting is done better together!
If you would like support for your parenting I have classes starting in February and March, and a couple of 1:1 slots available.
The Starter Class is an introduction to the Hand in Hand parenting tools, it has a minimum of 3, maximum of 6, participants to ensure a personalised experience for everyone. It can be paid for in installments (£60 deposit, 2 x £100 further installments) or in full (£260)
The next classes will be held on
Tuesdays at 8pm UK time (12pm PST, 8am EST, 7am AEDT)
Wednesdays at 1pm UK time (5am PST, 8am EDT, 8pm AWST, 10pm AEST)
Wednesdays, 8pm UK time. (12pm PST, 3pm EST, 7am AEDT)
If you are local to Lancaster, UK, I also have an in-person class starting on Saturday mornings 10am.
Katy Linsley 