A crying child needs help to stop. If we stop our child from crying, it means they are ok.
It’s the biggest parenting myth.
We’ve been misled to believe that when our child stops crying it means the bad feeling has gone away, and our child is ok again.
This isn’t just a parenting myth, it’s a human being myth.
As adults we might have experienced feeling so much better when we’ve finished crying, so it makes sense that we might try to help our children stop crying, so they feel better.
We distract them from whatever is bothering them, we might fix what’s upsetting them, we might explain why they don’t need to cry, we might tell them they’ve cried enough and it’s time to stop.
The trouble is that we’ve forgotten a major piece of vital information.
Crying is how humans heal from hard feelings.
Crying isn’t just the signal that we feel bad, although it does that too. Crying naturally attracts other humans to support the healing process.
Humans are social creatures so when someone is with us, listening to us, grounding us, giving us their warm attention, that’s when real healing can take place.
The emotion has done its job and moved through us, leaving us feeling more content, at peace, lighter and with better, clearer thinking. Processing our emotions through crying (or laughing, trembling, sweating or yawning) actually builds intelligence.
If we’re forced to skip the healing cry the feelings get stuck, just waiting for another opportunity to try and heal (by crying) so we begin to hook our feelings on ANYTHING, just so we can cry and feel better.
When it comes to our children the same applies.
Children feel deeply, they rely on their feelings to help them stay safe. When they cry, as well as signally us their needs and feelings (of thirst, hunger, cold etc) they are also healing from those emotions; from the sadness, grief, fear, or frustration they felt.
They may not have been able to fully cry before, and therefore heal, so they hook their feelings on something else, smaller, in order to cry and feel better.
Ever had your child cry because their snack has snapped in two? Chances are there was something more significant that didn’t go their way, but they use the snapped biscuit to cry to get over that bigger,past, disappointment.
When my children were younger, I didn’t know that crying was healing, so I tried to stop the crying as quickly as possible, thinking I was making things better. When my children fell over the crying would, at times, seem out of proportion. I would say “that’s enough” and they would try to stop their crying. They needed my approval, and it came when they stopped crying. So, they learnt not to cry too much.
When I finally learnt about how to really listen to my children’s crying, I took every opportunity to listen, and boy did they cry! When I made space, and they felt the safety to cry, it would come in tidal waves. A little grazed knee could result in 30 minutes of deep, deep crying. I now knew that this was them releasing years of tears that I had stunted. So, I listened, and reaped the rewards.
After listening to my children, they would be lighter, more affectionate, reasonable, cooperative, more able to be flexible and generally more connected to me.
At Hand in Hand Parenting, we call this Staylistening. We stay and listen.
We don’t try to distract, fix, or stop the feelings, instead we connect (through warm eye contact, close proximity, open facial expressions, and a warm tone of voice) and listen. We ground them if they’re scared and approve of our children as they feel and process those feelings. We try to hold that the crying, tantruming, and possible struggling, is what our children need to do in order to heal. We hold that when they have healed they will be able to feel connected to us, feel better and ultimately think clearly again.
I remember listening to my children’s frustrated tears over a game of Monopoly one Sunday. The idea of having to pay the rent on Mayfair is tricky for anyone! I staylistened to whatever frustration came up, connecting and holding that I was on my children’s side, whilst this was hard for them, and resisted telling them, “that’s just the way the game goes!” The game was only ever interupted for a few minutes at a time, but afterwards everyone was noticeably lighter in attitude and could cheerfully paid over whatever rent was owed.
Learning how children’s emotions work, and how the Hand in Hand tools can support our children’s emotions has been transformational in my life. It’s helped my children build resilience, but it’s also allowed me to enjoy parenting again.
Knowing I have tools that are effective has given me hope and confidence that I can figure out whatever comes our way.
If you would like support for your parenting I have classes starting regularly and a couple of 1:1 slots available.
Find out about uncoming Foundation for Parents and Caregivers Classes here.
Katy Linsley 