Having two boys is great, wonderful. And simultaneously, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
As a childminder I used to look after 3 toddlers every day, but having two of my own children felt like working at a different level. Maybe because child care and parenting are very different jobs!
It’s the arguments, the competitiveness, the relentless refereeing, the vying for your attention. It’s Sibling Rivalry!
Caring for others’ children; helping them get along, play nicely, be kind and caring, speak nicely, sit to eat, put their coats and shoes on. All very manageable.
Getting two of my own children to play alongside each other nicely? Seemingly impossible!
I once got chatting casually to a grandma I’d met at a playground. She shared that she too had two boys, all grown up now. I’ll never forget how she described that they had never gotten along. British small talk dictated that I cheerfully guess aloud that as adults they probably got on just fine, right? But no, she continued “They still argue and fight, compete and antagonise each other, they rarely spend time together.” It was as if they were just so different in personality it could never have been any other way.
I came away scared. My siblings and I had argued, squabbled, and annoyed the hell out of each other as kids, but it was water under the bridge now. As adults we enjoyed each other’s company, cared for each other, provided support when it was needed. It scared me to think that my boys might grow up to actively dislike each other. And I definitely thought that my actions, as they grew up, must be important.
I sought out books, and found helpful things, tips and tricks, principles that are now embedded in our family values, but it wasn’t until I discovered Hand in Hand Parenting, that things for my boys more consistently shifted.
All the Hand in Hand tools work together and are now weaved into the fabric of our family, but Playlistening is my go-to for in-the-moment sibling rivalry.
I remember one particular weekend clearly. The boys definately had some stuff going on, I have no idea exactly what, but we all felt the rigidity and angst. There was lunging, growling, squabbling and general antagonism.
We were planning a family walk which, with the current sibling mood, would have been disastrous. When I described the vibe to my husband he didn’t hesitate. He called down the stairs “Boys, I need you up here!” The tone was instantly recognisable to them. Like a pheromone they could smell.
It meant “I need some boys to wrestle with.”
Both shot up the stairs, and spent the next 10 minutes being thrown off a bed, getting thrown onto a bed and attempting to get on and stay on the bed, whilst getting their father off it. The finale was the youngest boy battling to victory as he pushed, pulled and dragged his father off the bed. It had been hard fought. And he had WON.
They were very different children leaping around in the forest, challenging themselves to climb crags, calling to and encouraging each other to do the same.
At Hand in Hand Parenting we call this kind of roughhousing Playlistening. It has a some specific characteristics, that once known, can be used to great affect.
When we Playlisten we allow our children to take the upper hand, let them feel the power they don’t often have in their life. They get to be stronger, faster, more skilled, wiser, more knowing that the adults. So when my son was able to test his strength and pull his dad off the bed he was able to experience feeling powerful. The result, when we turn the tables in this playful way, is laughter.
Laughter is healing, it shifts feelings of light anxiety and frustration, it connects us and connection allows our children’s brains to think well again.
The next day it was my turn to use Playlistening. The boys had some screen time and experience told me they would come off feeling disconnected and grouchy with each other.
As I told them their time was coming to an end, I casually threw it out there that I was going to go upstairs to lay down and have a relaxing 5 minutes. I added that I hoped I would not be disturbed by any children. My youngest read the playful tone but checked in with me none-the-less. “You mean you DO want to be disturbed?” I winked and said again “I hope I can have some peace and quiet in my bed.”
Within 30 seconds both boys were laughing and giggling as I pretended to be mightily confused as to why my bed was so uncomfortable with child-shaped lumps. We spent a happy 10 minutes wrestling and laughing their disconnection away.
My boys are accustomed to what they get out of Playlistening, they know that it feels better if they are working together against me or their dad, rather than in competition with each other. They might take turns to battle me, if they are wanting to test their own strength, but they know a pillow fight often needs to be THEM against ME if one of them is feeling tetchy.
They know how to instruct me on how much effort to put in, whether I should try my hardest or be my blundering, slow-witted comedy best. They feel the medicine they are being administered, and they know it’s good for them.
And I know that 10 minutes rough-housing and Playlistening might just buy me a Sunday afternoon without bickering and one-upmanship. Bonus.
The real gold is in how they respond to one another in general. They still have their logger-head moments; loud, passionate and deeply felt. But they also generously compliment each other, they happily praise the others’ skills, they opt to spend time together, roar with laughter, help one another, and comfort each other when they’re hurt.
It’s not always peaceful, its often noisy, chaotic and messy. It can feel like hard work at times, because our household isn’t a fantasy movie-family, but the payoff is real, long term connection, which feels worth it.
If you would like more sibling harmony learning about the Hand in Hand parenting tools, including Playlistening, is a great way to go, and the Foundations for Parents and Caregivers Class is a great place to start. My next classes start in September and October.
The Foundations for Parents and Caregivers Course is an introduction to the Hand in Hand parenting tools, it has a minimum of 3, maximum of 6, participants to ensure a personalised experience for everyone. It can be paid for in installments (£60 deposit, 2 x £100 further installments) or in full (£260)
Find out about uncoming Foundation for Parents and Caregivers Classes here.
Katy Linsley 